Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right.’ Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.
— George Herbert.
When you have social anxiety, it can be difficult to start new things and put yourself out there because in the back of your mind you’re always thinking “I wonder what people are going to think of me.” So, a lot of the times we tend to hold ourselves back and stay in our safe space.
This is something I know all too well. There have been
countless times where I have stopped myself from chasing my passions because of
my fear of interacting with others.
That’s the thing though. To be able to lessen our social anxiety, and to be able to expand the space we feel comfortable in, we have to push the boundaries that we have set up for ourselves. If we do that, just even just a little bit a day, then we can start to become the person we envision ourselves to be in the future. Remember, change doesn’t just happen; we have to make it happen.
That’s why we have to persuade ourselves to begin new
activities. It doesn’t have to be anything major. If your social anxiety is
more severe, then it could be something as small as going for a walk where you
might see another person. Anything is progress. And progress is growth.
Therefore, to expand my own comfort territory, I am starting this blog. Yes, it is a little nerve-wracking for me since I want it to be absolutely perfect (so people don’t judge me in a negative manner) and I don’t particularly like people to read what I write, but I have to begin somewhere. I need to just do it.
Stop worrying about what can go wrong and get excited about what can go right.
Unknown
As time has passed, I have learned that having social anxiety can be, well, challenging. The simplest of tasks, such as going to the store or answering the door, can feel impossible to accomplish. Your brain revs up and it convinces you that you should run and hide. It tells you that you should avoid these situations that are so uncomfortable. We become our own worst enemies and ruin anything related to something social before it can even happen.
But, how do we do this? What exactly goes through our heads?
Well, after some self-observation, I have noticed a similar
process that occurs it my mind every time my social anxiety gets the best of me.
It is also interesting to know that from what I hear of other people who have
the same condition, this also applies to them. This process consists of three elements.
#1 Overthinking
After discovering that I will be placed in a situation where I will have to possibly interact with other people, the first thing that I do is start to overthink.
At first, it may start out as innocent planning. Don’t get me
wrong. Establishing a loose plan of how things will occur can absolutely help alleviate
fear when it comes to things like these. A plan gives you more control over how
the event will play out, which is something that makes a lot of people more comfortable.
I, however, usually take it to a whole new level.
I will question everything, things that I shouldn’t even be thinking about because there are no answers to them.
Most of my thoughts begin with a simple “What if?” Some specific ones that I usually ask myself are:
What if people don’t like me?
What if I embarrass myself?
What if people notice that I’m nervous?
What if I can’t handle everything and run out?
What if I fail?
What if I blank out and can’t think of anything to say?
All these questions, plus more, can quickly overwhelm me. Trying to imagine all of the scenarios and possible answers to these questions makes me feel at war in my own head. This is where the anxiety begins. Unfortunately, that’s not the end of it.
These questions create an environment where I begin to think about worst-case scenarios. This directs me to my next point.
#2 Assuming the Worst Will Happen
Not only do I question everything that could happen in a social situation, I am also inclined to think that the worst will most likely or always occur.
To give you an example of this, think about the “what if I embarrass myself question” above.
For someone like me, I answer this possible development with terror. It would be my instinct to think things like “everyone will laugh at me,” “everyone will think I am weird,” and “everyone will remember this forever and I will never be able to live this down.” The imaginable bad would overshadow everything else.
This would be like setting out to construct a map with pathways to reach certain locations. However, instead of focusing on the fastest, safest, and most efficient routes, there would be a greater focus on navigating through potentially avoidable, treacherous areas.
It’s not that I necessarily want to only consider the bad. Actually, it’s far from that. As a result of my social anxiety, assuming catastrophes when it comes to social situations is automatic. It’s my default setting; one that is very difficult to change.
Obviously, this encourages me to have even more anxiety. Although, there is one other thing that I do that further promotes my anxious feelings.
#3 Underestimating Coping Abilities
When it comes to picturing myself interacting with others, not only do I imagine the worst, I also feel as if I won’t be able to manage the situation if something does indeed go wrong.
This is underestimating my ability to cope, which is something that is quite common with people who suffer from any type of anxiety disorder. It is especially true for social anxiety, though.
Not being confident in this can make someone feel hopeless when it comes to facing their fears. I know that this has been the case for me in the past.
It feels like walking into a classroom without your pencil, book, and any knowledge of the subject. All the tools that you need to succeed are nowhere to be found the moment when you really need them.
In Summary
So, before I even attempt something, I have already done a great job of making it seem like an unmanageable cause. I mean, why even try after considering all of this?
Well, that’s where things need to change. I need to learn to recognize these negative thought processes as they are occurring so I can stop them in their tracks.
Some tips that I have found beneficial for fighting back against these thought processes are:
Try to distract yourself when you’re starting to overthink something. Listen to some music, read a book, watch a show, go for a run, or anything that may occupy your mind until the thoughts fade.
Convert a negative “what if” question into a positive one. Ask yourself something like “What if everyone is nice and I make a great impression on them,” instead of something more pessimistic.
Question the likelihood of something bad actually happening.
Use positive self-talk to tell yourself you are capable of dealing with a stressful situation.
It may seem unlikely at first, but with some effort, you can alter your thinking and decrease the anxious feelings you have when being involved in a social setting.
You have to learn to get comfortable being uncomfortable. You have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone and push your limits.
Jesse Itzler
Most people with social anxiety develop a comfort area known as their “bubble.” This bubble includes everything and everyone that they are at ease with.
The size of the bubble can vary greatly from person to person. For example, some individuals may find that their bubble includes a variety of locations and their family, a few friends, and multiple acquaintances. Others, on the other hand, may realize that their bubble only obtains their house and maybe some immediate family members.
With people who suffer from more intense social anxiety, the bubble is more inclined to be on the smaller side. Regardless though, the one thing that is a given when it comes to those with social anxiety is that it is extremely difficult to expand or step outside the bubble.
Whether they realize it or not, people with social anxiety tend to remain in this designated safe zone that they have established for themselves. For those who do recognize their situation, they frequently tell themselves that they are happy with what’s inside their bubble. However, this is usually not the case. It is easier to believe that they are happy with their current state than it is to go through the discomfort and unease that enlarging or leaving their bubble entails.
Now, some of you may be thinking that I’m saying to be “normal” you have to have lots of friends and that it’s abnormal to like being at home. This is not the case. What I am saying is that there is a difference between not wanting to interact with others and not being able to.
If you like being at home and just being around a select group of people, that’s great! But, if you can’t go outside and do things when you secretly want to or when you need to, then that’s where you need to realize change is needed.
Something else that people with social anxiety try to tell themselves is that everything will be different in the future. They hope that with some time, they will gain the confidence and the strength to adventure out of their comfort territory. Unfortunately, though, nothing usually changes unless we make it. No matter how many days pass, you will be the same person with the same fears. And after some time, your bubble will eventually start to feel like a cage.
I would know. I’ve been there before. Actually, if I think about it, I am there.
College is something that I always wanted for myself. When I was in high school, I always thought about how it would be easier. I pictured myself being outgoing and collected. I was under the impression that my social anxiety would be a thing of the past and I would be a better version of myself. All I needed was a few years to miraculously change.
That time went by quickly though. Faster than I thought possible. I still struggle with the same issues. The only real difference between high school me and college me is that I know things don’t just change. I understand now that I have to put in the effort to make my bubble larger.
It may have taken me a while to get to this point, but coming to this realization has helped me do many things, like attending my first in-person class and having small discussions with other students. While this may not seem like a lot to some people, to those who have social anxiety, they know that this is a big deal.
So, don’t make the mistake I did and just wait around. Realize your boundaries, become aware of where you want to go, and then do it. Even if by one small step at a time.
Socially Awkward Dude 